Crying over Nothing and Everything

In this episode, we dive into the real, unfiltered side of postpartum, the late-night spirals, the quiet tears, the sudden rushes of love, and the guilt that sometimes tags along. We talk about the lonely moments when the world is asleep, the intrusive “am I doing this right?” thoughts, and the way your identity can feel both lost and reborn. With honest stories, gentle humor, and zero judgment, this is a soft place to land for anyone who’s ever rocked a baby in the dark and wondered if they were the only one feeling this way.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Sometimes there were days where I would just be on the couch like crying for hours.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

I felt like I hormoncrashed so hard because of this. Like so many people that I told my husband, like, oh, she definitely has CPD.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Moms become moms when they're pregnant. Dads don't become dads until the baby's born. It's okay if you accept help, like you don't always have to be the helper.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Whatever you have never dealt with or stealed or worked done in your life obviously shows up once you have a child.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Welcome to Advanced Maternal Age, real and raw talk from pregnancy, labor, 3 AM trenches, and the messy magic of motherhood. Fertility conception, surprise turns, and the acronyms no one asked for. Whether you're tracking your cycle, cuddling a newborn, or figuring out what's next, you're in the right place. I'm a chin. I'm Meredith. We're your co-pilots on this AMA ride. This is advanced maternal age. So final countdown. No, season one. Ending, which is really crazy. I feel like I don't know what happened. I don't know where the last 10 weeks went. It's been like a lot, actually, because we started recording in October. Yeah. Now it's it's coming to a close. And then we're gonna take a month off and then come back with season two. And we're excited. We're gonna have like interviews with experts and you know, people's um their own journeys on being AMA, or sometimes there'll be people who are just like pregnant, not necessarily advanced maternal age, but like their own pregnancy experiences, maybe something that happened to them that you know is outside of the norm or like a taboo topic. Yeah, infertility, miscarriages, all yeah, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

And also probably just like random shit that Meredith and I are gonna be ranting about.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Well, yeah, because we'll be in a different era of our own motherhood journey and we'll see where we are with that. But today we're gonna talk about postpartum.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Um what a fucking shit show.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Yeah, I think we I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Was yours a shit or mine was a shit show?

SPEAKER_01 2:07

No, it it was. I mean, I think we're still obviously we're still in it, right? I mean, yeah, postpartum. I don't even know the term, like how long you can say you're in postpartum for at least a year, if not longer.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

I don't know. They say until for breastfeeding people or like pumping, they say it's like until you stop. So if it seems like after even a year, if you're still breastfeeding or pumping and doing that whole business, it doesn't stop because apparently there's like another major hormone crash that happens once you stop.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

I did read that. I mean, so I don't know if I had any of that happen to me because I had a bunch of other shit happen when I had to stop breastfeeding and I only breastfed for a week and then everything went crashing down on me. So who knows if I did have some weird thing happen because it would have been combined with everything else that was going on. Yeah, yeah. But no, I think I definitely, I mean, listen, today even I don't what what happened today where I just was like, I was on the brink of like tears. Probably when Oliver, one of my dogs, decided to like get me kicked out of the dog park. And I was like going back home with two dogs and a baby in the stroller and just feeling like, oh my God, this is like so overwhelming. So I just feel like there is definitely moments of just feeling like super overwhelmed, I guess overstimulated. Like, this is the thing with that term overstimulated. I get it, but I don't know if I love how much it's used.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Because now everybody's using it's almost like when people say triggered, right? Yeah. Oh, I'm getting triggered. Oh, that's a trauma. That's a trauma. I I get that. Yeah. Cause now it's like it's it's used so much that you're like, are you just being overstimulated or triggered, or there's like trauma going on every other like hour? Yeah. I mean, I guess like I get it.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

I I could I just hate using the term for some reason.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

There needs to be a better term. We should like make up our own term.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Yeah, we can make up our own one. I just feel like I definitely can feel it though. I understand the feeling of just I just think it's feeling overwhelmed. Like, so maybe overstimulate overwhelmed means the same thing. I don't know. But it's just like when you feel like, okay, there's just a lot going on, whether it's like, you know, the dishes are dirty, the laundry, the dogs, the overstimulation, yeah, being overwhelmed. Yeah, going back to work, getting into that swing of things. And then you're just like, okay, like I think what it is for me, the best way that I can describe any postpartum feelings that I've had is just like being okay with like not being okay, like and having to like be better with that. Because I usually pride myself on trying to be very calm and like in control of my emotions and trying to just see the positive in things. But there's definitely been days in the past five months where I've just felt like very sad, maybe felt very like lonely. I don't know if depressed is the word because I I'm conscious not to use that necessarily because I know I do know personally people who are suffering from a depression.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

I don't want to dismiss postpartum depression. It's a legitimate thing. But there is like actual true postpartum depression, and then there is you're maybe not there yet, but you could be like somewhere in between. And there's like fleeting. There are like fleeting moments of like maybe loneliness or sadness or uncertainty or mixed emotions, bittersweet hormones getting mixed up in all of that. And it's there, but it's kind of like up and down. And I feel like that needs its own definition that may not have been defined yet by society versus like postpartum depression.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Yeah, I mean, I agree with you. I think that people who suffer from postpartum depression, I mean, it can be really, really, really brutal. I feel like I maybe I had some moments of that when I came out of the hospital the second time after the small bowel obstruction. I mean, there was so much going on and my emotions were all over the place, and I was trying to physically heal, mentally heal. I mentioned it, I think, in a previous episode, where like I would just sometimes there were days where I would just be on the couch like crying for hours, and I really just had to get it out and like release all of that like energy. So there was definitely days of that, but it was it was days and there were hours. It wasn't like weeks and months. And I think people who really suffer from postpartum depression, it is more of that, like chronic.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Well, they say that technically it's diagnosed with two weeks of chronic feeling, but there were so many people that had told my husband, like, oh, she definitely has PPD, that I was like, all right, we're gonna go test this shit out with the OBGYN. So I'm I'm my like I think two-week follow-up or whatever follow-up after I gave birth, I think one week, and yeah, it was like very soon. I was like, I'm gonna see what the doctor says. Okay. So I did. I told her OBGYN. I was like, listen, I'm feeling super overwhelmed. I'm crying, I'm having like all of these issues, blah, blah, blah, blah. And my son has this like very severe diaper rash, he's got oral thrush. I am like afraid that I'm gonna get it, and blah, blah, blah. But this is like the treatment plan that we have right now with a pediatrician. And like, is this normal? And he looked at me and he was like, I mean, yes. He's like, this is like not to dismiss like womanhood, but he was like, No, no, no, like this is so common that everybody is like in this phase at the week that you are. And he was like, if it continues to happen, definitely come back to me. Cause he was like, Are you having suicidal thoughts? I was like, No, but like sometimes I just feel like I don't know, like I'm stuck. And he's like, No, but like you are dealing with a situation with your child right now that is making this way more complicated for you. And he's like, and that is very common for you to feel this way in this thing. But if it continues, then let me know. But I'm not gonna like give you drugs right away two weeks after giving birth. Well, and listen, because I don't think I wasn't having those suicidal thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Yeah, no, that's a good point to me. But I also just wonder because R.O. Julian is a male Egyptian, like from Egypt originally. So I do think that like if we were dealing with like a white doctor respectfully, I think they might have given you the drugs. No, like a low dose or something. Because I think his outlook might have been a little different.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

You had a situation where you physically could not because of your complication. I found it because of my son's issue that I was so overwhelmed that it was really hard for me to bond with him. And even if I wanted to, I was almost like like the thrush and the diaper rash and stuff. The thrush and the diaper rash were so like that was like at the forefront of my brain all the time that I was like, dude, I will hang out with you as long as we can figure out what's going on. But like you're in pain and I don't know how to figure this out. And like my type A triple, what is it? Triple Virgo, right? Like sun, moon, and rising is like we need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible, find every single fucking solution because like uh this is like too much. And he just felt like really helpless, super helpless, like all the time. And then I think like that honestly made my postpartum, like the newbore trenches so hard, like so hard to manage. Like plus the hormone crashing, and I felt like I hormone crashed so hard because of this. Like, and then like you know, him losing weight the second time and like the doctors being like, dude, we're gonna have to admit him to the hospital because like he might become jaundice, and like there was all these like small things. Like, we went to the doctors, we went to the pediatricians two to three times a week for the first three or four weeks of his life. Yeah, I was gonna say it was about a month, it was about a month until our baby nurse came and freaking like I don't know, she just came in like a magic fairy and like everything ended up like being so much better. Well, she's like she's seen so many things. Yeah, she's seen so many things. And she was like, Don't worry, we'll fix his butt and like all this stuff. And like she was just like, Yeah, I don't know how to like thank her more for like my sanity because she noticed it. She was like, I'm just gonna observe you the first day. She's like, This girl's a hot fucking mess.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

But it's interesting when you have somebody who obviously she was she's been a baby nurse for like over 30 years, like she has a lot of experience not only with her own kids raising them, but with all these other people's kids, and she's definitely seen the gamut. So I definitely agree that that was helpful. I mean, she saw me like sitting on the couch, like just like crying and stuff. And that was like early days when I was like getting to know her.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

You know, so here's this woman coming into my home, like sleeping in my house, and obviously it's their priority to take care of the child.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

But you know, like they're not gonna hold space for you.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

That anxiety never left me. Like, I think it's only until recently, like the last couple of months, like it stayed with me for so long. You used to hear it. I used to call you up and I would be like, Why is life so difficult? I feel like the anxiety is like still in me. Like I it's stuck.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

No, I think we should do. I feel like as a mom, we'll always have days like that. I don't think there's a mom on the planet, even my own mom, who all of her kids are adults. Like, I think that there's still you're always gonna have that like mother, maybe instead of mother guilt, it's like the mother anxiety. Like just that feeling of like, okay, like I want to make sure that everything's okay with my kid, no matter what stage they're at in life, whether it's newborn or they're adults and they're off, you know, away from you.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

But there is like, I don't know if you if you have guilt. I have a lot of guilt for like that first month of me like losing my patience, not being able to bond with him, not like being able to understand him, being so frustrated with the rash, like being so like focused on like we need to get to the end result. And like I I felt like, and I've told you that before, like I felt like for so many months, like I lost time because it was focused on like the wrong things, like the sleep training, the oh, I need to put him on a nap schedule because I'm gonna have to start work, or like this is happening. Why is he waking up? And like, why is he not eating and all of these other things? And I felt like I should have been more present. So there's like definitely still guilt there.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, because you were you were focused on the future and you weren't you weren't focused on the present.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Very Virgo thing to do too.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

That's like a yeah. I think that maybe having you watching you go through that, it helped me because as much as I am a planner, but I've said this before. I think my mindset though, the whole time, because I knew I just wanted to do it one time. Yeah, I just remind myself, even like on days where I'm like, oh my God, like this is actually hell today. I just like have to tell myself, I'm like, okay, but it's only one day and it's not gonna be like this every day. And you just have to like find the the positive, even if it's small positive, like one hour positivity. You know, I mean, listen, like the cutest thing is always like whenever he wakes up from a nap and he's so damn fucking happy.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

And they're like, yeah. And you're like, did you not remember you were a crack?

SPEAKER_01 13:04

It's just like so cute. Like it's just the funniest thing. Like they're just so innocent. It's like the cutest thing in the world. Yeah, that that childhood like innocence, trying to like absorb much as much of it as you can as an adult, because you know, we're adults, we have like adult stresses, right? So it's cute to like see the world through a child's eyes. I think having you though, watching you go through that time, it did help me to, you know, try to like learn from that. Yeah. But I definitely didn't go through as much as you went through, like obviously the whole the the dye brush, the thrush, and just you know, going to all those doctor's appointments. I mean, this that must have been so stressful.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

I think, yeah, like I don't even like go to the pediatricians at the I mean, he has so many other specialists that he's had to go to that I'm like, it's not like he's not seeing a doctor every single fucking month of his life. He has gone to like at least two, three doctor's appointments. So it was so much that like once Rose came, I was like, oh my God, I finally felt like a pause on like the most hectic point of my life. But then there were other issues, you know, like I've had the feeding issues, I've had low birth weight, I've had dropped birth weight, I've had stagnant birth weight, several like sicknesses, like back to back to back. Uh surprisingly, I've been the least amount of I've had the least amount of anxiety of the sickness itself. Like at points, I almost feel like, man, why did Meredith not have the baby before me? Because I always look at you and I'm like, she, like, if any of my friends ever asked, like, oh, how's Meredith doing? How's she doing it with the baby? I literally actually, I was on a walk this morning. Nika asked, How's Meredith doing that with the baby? I was like, dude, like I feel like she just like thrives. I I just say, like, she's not like me. Like, I am like, I have like become even more like such a homebody that there are so many days that I forget that I should actually just leave the house for my mental health because I'm like vibrating in all the things that need to get done.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Well, maybe this is why I'm literally gonna move across the street from you. And that'll all change because now you're gonna like force me to get out of the house. Yeah, but even if it's literally like just coming over to my house and like because I'll have the balcony, yeah. Like that'll even just like be able to sit outside like in fresh air and like sunlight, and we don't actually have to like leave the premises. But no, but even just living across from each other, it'll be easier. Yeah, that's so sweet of you to say, but honestly, I just think for me, because it's just me here with the dogs and the baby, if I don't get outside, I will lose my shit. Like if I don't get out by like at least midday, like by noon, I get a little cuckoo. And when I say obviously I take my dogs out in the morning, so we do our morning chores, as I call them, but we don't take them out for a long period of time because the baby has to like go down for his morning nap and things like that. And then you know, now that I'm back working, like work stuff and things like that. But I try, especially now that the weather is getting warmer and things like I have to go out like sometime like midday for like a longer sanity walk and fresh air and you know, bring at least one of the dogs with me. I think that just doing that and reminding myself like to just take that time for myself. It listen, I think that it would be nice if I could have more moments with myself without the baby during daylight hours, because obviously at nighttime I get some time on myself. But yeah, it would be nice if like I could go to the gym like alone. Yeah, because now if I go to the gym, I bring him with me.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

I recognize that because that was like my me time. I would send my husband out with like the dog and the kid and be like, get out of the house. It's seven in the morning.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Yeah, I mean, I would that would be great. I would like to be able to do that. Do you want to talk about your moments of wanting to get divorced?

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Yeah, yeah. My moments of hasn't a like I this is so common, I feel like, right? With like a letterwise. I think it's we just like all about it.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

I think it's common, but I don't think we will talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Yeah, I mean, I had a major three-month postpartum hormone crash. I think there was a lot of things. You know what? It was like a combination of a hormone crash, plus you and I had then made the decision of starting this podcast, right? Right. And he was very supportive of it. Oh, he's very supportive of like everything that I do. He's a very supportive husband and he's very helpful. He loves being a dad. He definitely is a good dad. He definitely fell into like his role a lot faster than I did, for sure. I think uh, you know, I did my fair share of being like a great pregnant mom.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

But like you're not a good mom, but he didn't have to deal with the hormone crashes, like he did his life.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

He had to like hold space for me.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah, his life changed in a different way, of course. Yeah, but his body didn't change, his hormones didn't crash, he's not breastfeeding, you know, all these things that the mastitis, the everything in between, too. All these things that men could never do. Also, just like crying, maybe it breaks their heart, but it affects moms differently, like hearing your baby cry because they're like literally from us. It does something different to you go than like the dads do. So there's all these things, but yeah, I think that you what you went through where you were contemplating, like, oh, should we stay together? Do we need to separate? All this stuff. I feel like that does happen with a lot of people, but everyone doesn't want to talk about it because maybe they're embarrassed or because they kind of forget about it. Cause like you say, You do forget time goes away.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

You're just like, uh, we've gone past that time. We don't need to go back and reflect or look upon it, or we've gotten to a better place now. And we definitely have, right? Like we're on much better terms now. I don't think we were ever on bad terms, but I do think that like me struggling in postpartum was so much of like why I also did not like him. I felt like I needed somebody to hold space for me while I was struggling through something, but he had to hold space, like he needed to take care of the baby because of all like my emotions and my hormones in the first couple of weeks. And so that kind of made me feel like more irritated with him because I was like, all right, cool. Well, that little shit just came into like our world, but like I've been your wife for how many years? And though, like that doesn't even make sense now. No, it makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

I just literally had a moment of like realization, maybe what you just said is why people hire postpartum duelists.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Yeah, and I had one, right? But yeah, but I feel like not that I used her for she didn't do the services that most people would want right to be there for them.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

I I had her for very specific reasons, right? So what you just said, I think is interesting. Yes, you wanted him to be there for you, to hold space for you. You weren't mad at him for like doing what he was doing as far as being a dad. No, but you wanted him to do both. And I'm sorry, meant they can't. They just it's not.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

But I think I needed so much space. I really needed a team for myself, which I still had a team, but it wasn't enough, right? Like maybe I needed them longer, maybe I needed them every day, maybe I needed all of that, right? Maybe I actually needed my husband to not go back to work right away and just be there for me.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

That's learning for when you have like your next kid.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Because I do think that him taking such short paternity maybe wasn't the wasn't the right move, especially now that you guys would have a young child and a newborn. Yeah. I think taking the paternity at the same time as maternies.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

I can recognize and validate a husband wanting his family around also to experience like this kid's like first grandchild on both sides, first, you know, boy. Yeah. We are also the eldest. Like he's got the first of the first of the first of the first on everything. A real he really is. And so I can recognize that you want your family around and stuff like that, but I don't think I knew how to communicate. Like, I don't want your family here because I'm not comfortable, right? So, meanwhile, like I'm showing up. I like I'm like clearly telling people I'm in pain. Like his family can recognize it. Did they come over to like be very helpful and supportive? Yes. Like I can't say that they weren't supportive or helpful, it's just that like I was so uncomfortable. Plus, I have a child that I have so much anxiety about that I didn't even know how to communicate like what I would I wanted and how I felt because I was like so much like on the go, go, go, go, go. I didn't have time to like sit and figure it out. Like, I'm so exhausted. And then at three months when we started doing this podcast, I had this whole, I don't know, epiphany, or maybe I don't know what it was, but it was a major blow up actually, about how I wish my husband would have been there for me and my like what I needed more. And maybe also like, see, my husband knows me more than I know myself. So if I'm out there like going like fucking batshit, he usually knows like what's wrong with me, what do I need, how I'm feeling, right? So he has like all Always held space for me and like done a really good job. Then I was like, what the fuck happened? Right? Like you we were warned about like don't have like the men come over, just have like mother, mother-in-law come over. You know, like we have a duela telling us like nobody needs to come over. So we stopped having people come over, like meaning family come over. But it was more of like I was so used to him holding that space and understanding me. Then now I don't have time to do that. He's focused on the baby, and I don't even know how I'm feeling.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Well, yeah, and I remember I was talking through and I was just like, listen, you do what you guys gotta do. I never thought if you I mean, even when he went away for a couple of days, I never thought that you guys would like get divorced. But you know, there was a time where I was like, Oh yeah, maybe you guys do need to have some time away. Like, but it really wasn't even that long of a time. It was just a few days. I mean, but even if you needed longer than that, like if you even if you did need some weeks or something, yeah, I knew that you guys would figure it out. But it's a lot, you know, there's a lot that happens, there's a lot of emotions on both sides, everyone getting used to things.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

And I was also jealous of my husband. Like, why is he able to like take care of this baby easier than me when I'm the one that grew it? No, you know, like there was like all of this, like complicated like things that were going on.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

But he probably wouldn't even say it was easy for him, you know what I mean? It wasn't. I think, but you just saw it from the outward lens. But he probably would say, like, oh my gosh, no, it was like really hard. And the thing about dads is what's the famous thing everyone likes to say? You know, moms become moms when they're pregnant, dads don't become dads until the baby is born. So it really is like a whirlwind for them.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Yeah, and then they're like usually so afraid of holding this tiny little thing, and now you're like giving them this tiny thing, and they're like, All right, cool.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Like, I mean, because they just send you home from the hospital with these kids, like, there's no manual. It's kind of crazy when you think about it. It's a little, it's a little wild. I've really never accepted help like I did during this time. And it was like because I had to. Like, I yeah, like even when it was like asking my mom to ask you to come to the hospital to help like advocate for me, like when I was in so much pain and had to go back for the bowel obstruction. You know, even like our uh my other friends, Armina, like coming to the hospital, like my friend Alyssa coming, my friend Tony, like just literally asking anybody, like, oh, can you help me with the dogs? Can you help me with this? I would have in my life, I don't think I've ever asked for as much help as I asked for in like a six, eight week span. So that was really hard for me. And I think that's maybe a good learning. And like my maybe advice I would give to other people is in postpartum, it's okay if you're the one who gets the help. Like, as from somebody who's a helper, it's okay if you accept help. Like you don't always have to be the helper.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

And that was like something I had to learn and just kind of let go. And I will continue to have to learn it because, you know, he's only five months old. I mean, Jesus Christ. There's gonna be plenty of times in the next 18 years that I'm gonna need help and maybe even beyond, you know, whether it's just like a uh, you know, advice or a friendly ear, maybe not like physical help, like, oh, can you pick him up or can you do this? But like just advice for me, like as a mom. And I think that that's like a big takeaway that I've even learned from my friends who have kids that are older. You know, like it's just and I'm blessed in that regard. Like, I'm happy to know that I have you as a friend who has a kid close in age to me, but then I also have friends who have kids that are way older, and like that's really nice to see. To have the perspective, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it is nice. And I have friends that have literally all boys, and I have friends that have all girls, and then I have friends that have mixtures, and it is interesting like to talk to all of them.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

I think for me, you know, what I've noticed is like me being more open and vocal about it. I mean, it's outside of you, but me being open and vocal with like just family and friends, if they're like, Oh, how's everything going? Like, I never say it's fine. If it's shit, it's shit. Like, that's what I say. I'm like, oh, like I really went through this. That's when I heard everybody else, like then all of a sudden open up and like right, all like now you're hearing everything. And this is like close family, close friends and stuff. Like, because no one wants to be that person. Nobody wants to do that, and they're like, the minute I say, like, hey, I'm struggling, or yeah, I struggled, or like I had this, and I have a lot of anxiety, it opens the door for someone else to be like honest. I'm like, what were you doing for all these years where you didn't feel like you could have said that? You know, like I wish you felt empowered enough to say it.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

I think I'll say that for the most part, I'm grateful that my friends that have kids that are also like close friends of mine for many years in my life have always kept it pretty real with me. Yeah. But my friend Sarah, who has all boys and she suffered a loss. One of her sons died after he turned one. So she's somebody that like I always look up to. And she'll probably hear this, and like I actually never said this to her, but sometimes I feel bad, like even like sending her things about like Aiden, because she has two very healthy kids. And I know she's grateful and blessed that, you know, she gets to be their mom. But at the end of the day, she she had three kids, you know, at one point. And I can't like even imagine the pain that she goes through daily, you know, because I'm sure that there's not a day goes by where she doesn't think about her her son. And it's hard because I just feel like she's so supportive and she's great. But I sometimes I do feel guilty, like even like sending her photos or like, you know, and I she's never made me feel any type of way, but it's just one of those things.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

It's just knowing the feeling, like if you're feeling bad now, you can't imagine what that feeling's like if you were in that circumstance or how much more pain it would be. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

I mean, and she's handled all that with like so much grace, but I just feel like having that as like an example in my life. I mean, and listen, we all go through our own shit, but like that as an example and watching her like handle that with like such grace and strength. Like, I don't know, it just kind of empowers you to be like, you know what, like yeah, I can do anything because sometimes I feel that. I'm like, I was freaking out over a diaper rash. No, no, but it's all relative. It really is all relative.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

I'm like, I struggled so much when people literally are like there at the hospital every day watching their child struggle to like thrive, right? Right. But I did have a concern, like my child was supposed to be like at one point they considered him failure to thrive. And I was like, oh my god, that's that's scary. Yeah, that's a scary, you know. It's a scary term. Um, it's a very scary term if your child has been in that situation. They are handled by like the best of the best, like very intense specialists and stuff, just like how Nikki is. I I have to sometimes put myself into perspective to be like, these parents had so much strength. Like, again, if they can get through it, I can get through it.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

Yes. I think that that's part of something to remember as we go through the postpartum journey, because we're still very much in the postpartum journey. So basically, I would say the takeaway is take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, some days, and just know that we're not alone. We'll get through it. Yeah, nobody's ever alone. Like, even if you feel alone, you're not alone. And I think that's important to remind yourself.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

But I mean, honestly, I have like loved seeing you. I can't even tell you, like, how I'm like, dude, I wish I could be like the Meredith as like in like motherhood because you're making me sound so great. I'm not. No, I mean, like, I understand that you're like now. I'm learning about it more, right? Like you, you have your bad days, you have your good days, you have your days where you're like really struggling and stuff like that. But your overall outlook has been so much more. I'm telling you, it's like my control issues, right? Like, I have these like serious control issues where I'm like, okay, we just this is like a habit of mine, right? I've always been able to put my feelings aside to get to like an end result or to like get something done. But that's not motherhood, right? Like you can't like sometimes those feelings are so strong and so powerful that they are gonna consume you, they're gonna overwhelm you, they're gonna like really be at the forefront. And for somebody who has always been able to like just like you know, put a switch and be like completely, it doesn't matter what's going on in my head. Like I could literally just continue on with my day, show up in a meeting, do whatever I need to do to get through like the day, to get through like what I need to do, does not matter. Like, there could be like a fire burning in my apartment. I've been like, Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Like, we just need to sit in this meeting and get through. So, like, I've been that person that has never has always been able to get away with shoving my feelings aside. So, if anything, whatever you have never dealt with or healed or worked on in your life obviously shows up once you have a child. Like now those things come to the forefront. You're seeing that it's being mirrored in front of you. I was gonna say it's the mirror you can't ignore. It's the mirror that you can't ignore. And I really have had to do like very intense therapy during this time because of that.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

I think honestly, another thing is that one thing that we've talked about on other episodes and we've talked about it in private conversations is we very much want to be better than our parents were, and that's all you can do. So be better for your kids than your parents were for you. Yeah. And that's not to say that our parents are bad people, but obviously we're human, right? So we have good traits and we have bad traits. The good traits that I learned from my parents, yeah, I want to pass on to him. And the bad stuff I want to hopefully do better. And he'll do the same, you know, when it's his time to be a father. He's like a father. I'll be like, okay, like I like this stuff that my parents did, but I didn't like this stuff. And that's just the way of the world. So I think that also having that mindset and just knowing, like, listen, we're all doing our the best that we can do. No one's perfect. We're going through it. Find your village, like we've said before, where you can and just be okay, like to be in the madness and know that it's all gonna work out.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Like everybody used to say, and I never used to believe it because I was like, no, I need the end result now. Like, I need this to be resolved now. And what's the quote?

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Find beauty in the journey, not the destination.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

Yeah, that's very hard for a Virgo. I'll have to remind you. I'm gonna we're gonna get shirts, so say that. Um that's very hard for a Virgo, and I have to say, like, I think in my postpartumness, all those like bad qualities that I didn't want to show up started showing up, which is why I had to like go to therapy because I do want to do better than my parents in certain ways, or there was like true like intention. Like, I have an intention to be this type of parent, but I can't get there if I'm like at the forefront of my overstimulation and anxiety all the time.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

So putting in the work and getting the therapy, you know, you've already done that, and that's great, you know, and your son will be grateful for that, but you'll be grateful for it too. Because at the end of the day, yeah, if you're happy, your child's happy, and that's a hundred percent true. Yeah, that's another cliche that's definitely true because they do feed off your energy 1000%. So that's the other thing. If you need to take a walk, go scream in a pillow, walk in the other room, whatever the case may be, like it's there's no judgment for sure. Well, I can't believe it, but I think we're gonna wrap it up and we're going to see you guys on season two. And we really hope you guys liked this. I mean, it's been a passion project, but we're gonna keep it going because we really enjoyed it and we're excited to have experts on next season and you know, dive more into motherhood and more into just parenting in general and a chance to get pregnant again. So we'll deal with that when it comes.

SPEAKER_00 33:29

God will anyway. She's like, she's like bringing it up faster than I am. I'm like, are we there yet? I'm not gonna be medically cleared right now. No, listen, 2027. This is the same. We just gotta be done with it. That's my thing. I'm like, just done with it. They can play together, it'll be fine. They'll raise it.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

2027, she'll be pregnant again, folks. Mark my words. Maybe by the end of this year, it's gonna happen. She's gonna manifest it for the time. I'm manifesting it for her. Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll see you guys in season two. Bye.